It might be the most difficult conversation you ever have, but you don’t have to have that conversation without help.
What do you say when someone is dying? How do you talk to the person who is dying? How do you discuss the topic with their family and friends? How do you know the “right” thing to say that will bring comfort, or at least not the “wrong” thing that could make others upset?
These are the talks you have when someone is already receiving hospice from Centrica Care Navigators. Encouraging a loved one to seek out care in the first place is a different conversation. Once they are receiving appropriate, compassionate care, though, you may not know what to say when you visit.
Maybe the most important thing to remember is that what you say is not as important as what you do. When people are grieving — even before someone in end-of-life care has died — they often simply want to know you are there for them.
Here are a few ways you can make a connection with someone who is dying.
The four things to say
In Hawaiian, it’s the “Ho’oponopono prayer.” If you’ve watched the recent TV series “The Pitt,” you heard it there: the four things you can say to someone when you need to provide support, or a sense of closure, in a relationship.
I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
There’s no guarantee that these words alone will help you connect with someone who is dying, but it is a starting point. Centrica Care Navigators chaplains and social workers say they have talked with patients who want to make sure their relationships with estranged family have been resolved before their death.
Many times people have a falling out with someone they were once close to. They want to use this time as an opportunity to reconnect. It may be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry.”
Saying other things can be important, too. Prayer may be appropriate for a religious person. Sometimes it seems like a person who is dying needs permission — spouses and partners have said that their loved one seemed to relax once they heard the words, “It’s OK, you can go when you are ready.”
Reminiscing
At the end of life, many people look back on their accomplishments and remember the fun times they had. If you’re sitting with someone who is in hospice care, you can reminisce with them, too. Talk about enjoyable times you had together. Think back to times that were special.
Most people, no matter who they are, like talking about themselves. Just saying “Do you remember…” may be enough to get the conversation started.
While a patient is reflecting on their life, they can capture their memories as an audio file for their loved ones to enjoy in the future. Centrica Care Navigators volunteers can help with this as part of our Story Catcher program.
Nothing at all
A lot of times, people who are dying don’t necessarily want to talk. Talking uses a lot of energy. There’s nothing wrong with sitting silently together. Our volunteers who visit patients say they often spend time simply watching TV with a patient. It doesn’t matter what’s on the screen; the important thing is that the patient is doing something with someone else. They’re not alone in a time that can be frightening and confusing for patients and their loved ones.
At other times, the quiet may help a dying person feel calm and focus on what’s most important to them. It can be surprising just how loud the world around us is every day — the sounds of machines, of traffic, and of general conversation all make for very noisy surroundings most of the time. Someone who may be hard of hearing has to deal with those sounds in addition to another person’s voice or whatever it is they are actually trying to listen to.
You can make things easier for them by keeping the noise to a minimum. If that’s what the person prefers, turn off the TV and set your phone to vibrate. Ask other people who are talking to stop, or at least move out of the room. The goal is to help the patient feel comfortable if you can.
You can learn more by exploring our website or calling Centrica Care Navigators at 269.345.0273.
