I recently visited a Centrica Care Navigators patient in her room at a local adult living facility (ALF), alongside one of our dedicated volunteers. An adult living facility might be better known to you as a “rest home,” a place where elderly people have their own rooms but still gather for meals and to enjoy social activities like music or puzzles.

During my visit, the volunteer and I talked with the person living there, a patient I’ll call “Linda.” If you have had a loved one of your own in an ALF, you know that it may be challenging to have a conversation with them.

When we arrived, Linda’s breakfast tray was still on her lap. The volunteer asked if she was done eating, and she agreed. The volunteer had to remind Linda who she was, and we had to explain what I was doing there (I was there to see what it’s like for a volunteer to meet with a patient; to Linda, I was a “friend” visiting along with the volunteer).

At one point, I suggested going for a little walk, just escorting Linda in a small circle in her room. It was only going to be a few steps forward and back, really, but going for a walk isn’t something Linda does too often.

We could tell right away that the suggestion made her confused, and as a result, she started getting visibly upset, trying to figure out what “going for a walk” would require from her. We decided against the walk immediately, and the volunteer started another line of conversation to redirect Linda’s attention, which helped calm her down.

We had to cut our visit a little shorter than the volunteer had originally planned, because Linda’s sister and nephew stopped by for a visit. In the few minutes we spent packing our things and leaving the room, we heard Linda’s sister explain who she was, to someone who had known her for her entire life.

How you can help

That’s a common experience for people talking with those living with dementia or other memory loss. It’s not a time to be upset or frustrated; the person you know isn’t trying to ignore you or act foolish. Instead, they may know exactly what they want to communicate, but they might not be able to do it. If it’s hard for you to figure out what they’re trying to say, imagine how difficult it is for them to want to say it without being able to.

It takes patience to interact with someone with memory loss. At the same time, you need to remember that they are not a child, and they shouldn’t be treated like one. Linda didn’t remember her sister’s name, so she just told Linda what it was, and told her that they were sisters. It took a moment, but Linda made the connection, and said she enjoyed seeing her again.

The interaction between Linda and her sister helped reinforce something I learned when I first learned about hospice, and the best way to help our patients. Treat them with respect, be aware of their needs, and do what you can to support them.

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